Holy Conversations

Podcast #5: Holy Conversations

As I write this blog and record this podcast, I am still sheltering in place with my family, slowly increasing our “social bubble” if you will. I am writing and recording the week after the tragic death of George Floyd. This week I have spent time curating resources to help families talk about race and racism in their homes.

As I worked on this website which can be found above or through my website: riotexas.org/family, I was reminded once again of how important it is to create space for hard conversations. I call these holy conversations because I truly believe that when we take a moment to stop and engage in conversation with one another, God is with us guiding us in and through the difficult, awkward, beautiful, messy moments. 

So today, I want to talk realistically about how we can create space for these moments in our homes without adding to our stress and anxiety.

The more I talk to families during the pandemic, and the more I grow in my own experience of raising a child in the midst of today’s world, the more I am telling my self to keep things simple. This has been a mantra that I have encouraged families to take for several years now, and in the midst of chaos when we feel like we keep getting hit by wave after wave of difficult moments, I am reminded once again of the importance of using this mantra in our daily lives.

What will we have for dinner? Keep it simple

What will we do this weekend? Keep it simple

How will I talk to my child about race and racism? Keep it simple.

And so as we begin today’s conversation I want to invite all of us to keep this mantra at the forefront of our conversation.

The other mantra I want us to consider is this: it will be messy

One of my favorite authors, Rabbi Nancy Fuchs writes about how faith formation in the home is messy in her book:  Our Share of Night, Our Share of Morning: Parenting As a Spiritual Journey. We begin with great intensions: We have a book, we intend to gather around the table to go through the scripture and the devotional and we bring our hopes of getting to the questions and having great conversations. Then it all starts to unravel- I burn myself cooking dinner, someone spills their milk, another says this is silly or answers “I don’t know” to every question….you may have your own experiences. It is in these moments that we are invited to embrace the mess, find stillness in the chaos, and to remember to “keep it simple”

I recently began listening to Brené Brown’s new podcast- Unlocking Us. In her first episode she talks about FFT’s…. in order to keep the language clean for this family site, I will use her other abbreviation: TFT: Terrible First Times. She talks about the messiness, and the vulnerability one must practice in order too find the courage to try something for the first time. 

Admittedly- my podcast is a TFT for me- I have found myself having to be vulnerable in a whole new way- so much so- I put off this podcast for 2 years with the fear that it would not be perfect. Well- 6 episodes in I am the first to admit that my podcast is not perfect, I’m learning ALOT as I move through this process, and I have found that along the way some of you have learned and tried new things too. So it is messy, it is not perfect, it feels awkward and weird and in the midst of it: God is at work.

So, as we try new things in our family during this time let’s all commit to: keeping it simple as we embrace the mess.

After all it is in practice that we grow and move towards perfection right?

With that in mind- let’s return to our topic of Holy conversations. This past week I have received numerous e-mails and phone calls and texts asking: How do I talk to my children about George Floyd’s death and the protests? How do we talk about race and racism? How can I help raise my children to show love and kindness to every person? These are all really big questions. I imagine these aren’t the only big questions you and your children are asking. I know over the last 3 months I have heard really big questions being asked by people of all ages: Why are so many people getting sick? Why can’t I go to school to see my friends and teachers? What does life look like now? 

As we seek to keep things simple and as we embrace the mess, it is important to remember that often times there is not one right answer. We do not gather for holy conversation in order to simply share the answer. If that were the case these conversations would not be hard and they would not be messy. We would simply say “well the answer is…” and then move on. In my opinion that is not a conversation but is instead one person stating their understanding as they try to sweep the real issues and concerns under the rug avoiding the hard part of the conversation all together. As my friend and colleague Rev. Kathy Pittenger writes: "Parents may be uncertain of what to say or how to start the conversation. It's important to start and not wait until you have the "right" words. Acknowledge that you might say something that may be offense or "wrong" - take a humble position of learning and learn from your mistakes.”

Early in my career as a pastor, I began teaching human sexuality classes. Nothing taught me more about the importance of having difficult conversations than these experiences did. Parents, as you can imagine, felt terrified to talk about sexuality with their children, because they were not comfortable with the topic either. I found over time that if I just gave them permission to say: “I don’t know” that everyone breathed a deeper breath and found a way to engage in these important conversations. 

We enter into holy conversations knowing that we may not have all of the answers, we too may not feel comfortable talking about a specific topic, and that members of our family may not want to engage either. This is when we need to have grace with ourselves and our family members. It is not a great idea to say: we will sit down and have a 10 minute conversation about this, like it or not. But instead we open space for conversation by allowing questions to guide us and by saying: “you know what, that is a big question, I’d love to talk to you about that. Can we talk about that tonight over dinner, or at bedtime?” Or “I have time right now, would you like to sit down and have this conversation?” When we take the time to honor the importance of the questions, to create space to have the conversation which means dedicating time, and when we are vulnerable and share that we don’t know, then we are inviting our family to join us in the learning and growing process.

So with all these things in mind- what can a holy conversation look like?

Make Time

First- make sure you have time to have the conversation. You don’t want to be rushed or distracted. Again- if a question is raised when you are busy or distracted you can honor that questionably saying: “that is an important question, I wonder when can we have this conversation when we can really focus?” Of course the most important part of this space is honoring your commitment. Put it on your calendar if you have to. Set a time and stick to it giving your family your full attention.

Gather

Second- gather in a safe space. In my holy conversation resources I talk about the importance of creating safe space. Some might want to create a space just for these holy conversations- examples include setting out pillows in your favorite corner of a room, decorating a table with a bible and a candle to light as a reminder that things are different when you are in this space. I talk about these possibilities in my holy conversation resources that can be found at: riotexas.org/family. And in the effort to keep things simple, I want to be honest and real with you- you probably already have this sacred and safe space… for some it might be the dinner table, for others it my be a swing or chairs outside. You don’t have to create a space for these conversations to happen- but instead you might let your family members choose where they want to gather. In full transparency- my family’s safe space has become our bedroom at bedtime. We gather together- often times my husband holds our son in our big comfy chair as he reads bedtime stories. I sometimes sit on the ottoman, or sit on my yoga mat that is on the floor by the chair… we gather in this space every night so it has become our space. We didn’t do anything to make it special- it has become our space over time. In this space we read stories, sing songs, say prayers, and have holy conversations. This is where we share our joys and concerns at the end of the day that often leads to other conversations too. Over the last 13 months of my son’s life this space has evolved and become a safe space for us. I wonder- where does your family already gather? Where are spaces that have become familiar and safe to you? As you keep things simple- you might start by gathering in this space or asking your family where they would like to gather.

Connect

Next- take time to connect: Physically connect- look into each other's eyes, hold hands, offer hugs or other comforting gestures. Be present with one another…. Light a candle to remind each of you that God is with you…. this might be weird for older children or adolescents so you can choose to leave this out. Find a way to connect with God. It might be saying a short phrase: “God thank-you for being with us in this space.” Or you might choose to read scripture, or a story together. In the beginning this might feel weird and that is ok. Step into it and try it out. Just don’t give up. If it is messy and weird try again the next day. The more we practice, the easier and more natural it will become. In an attempt to keep things simple, you might want to jump right in to wondering together… especially if your child has already been asking questions.

Wonder

The next step is to wonder together.The beauty of the art of wondering is that you can ask open questions without the expectation that someone will have the “right” answer. In wondering together you can discover what others are feeling, thinking, or discovering. My favorite wondering question to begin with is: “I wonder how you are feeling?” I wonder what you have heard on the news? I wonder what questions you have? Creating space for silence as members of your family think and process is essential. This is where you have to be prepared to embrace the mess. Many people in our culture are uncomfortable with silence so someone might get antsy, some one might get up and walk around, or someone might state their frustration with the process. Welcome those responses and feelings while staying grounded in the space you’ve created. If you stay grounded and wait you will be surprised with the response that might come. When practicing wondering together- at the beginning it might be messy and family members may not be ready to share- and that is ok. What you are doing is creating the space and saying: “this is important to me and I am here to listen to you.” At the end of the silence if no one has responded you can say: “This is a big question.. if you are not ready to share that’s ok…. We can have another conversation soon.” Then of course, you will want to make that a priority by setting a date and time to check in with them again. Over time you may find your family starts to open up as they begin to feel safe and find the courage to be vulnerable too.

Nothing has taught me this more than my time sitting with children in holy listening circles. In the beginning of our time together we do a lot of sitting, fidgeting, picking at the carpet…etc. I have had a lot of time to practice waiting and sitting in silence. It is not easy- but I promise it is worth it. I have found that when I do this after 3-4 weeks children really start to open up. As long as I allow them to share without judgment or shame they are more than willing to do it again, and again, and again. 6 weeks into this process I often find children are asking to have conversations and when I begin wondering questions the entire circle lights up as children eagerly share. It takes time and patience. The most important thing is not to judge, shame, or force. You can do this! Keep it simple… ask one question and see what happens- you might be surprised by what your children and family members say.

Work/Respond

As you end your time together I always like to ask: I wonder what God is calling us to do next? This moves our conversation into action. We all are called and equipped to do God’s work in the world and often times holy conversations help us identify how God is calling us to respond and to act. 

Pray

Conclude your time with a short prayer. you can use a pre-written prayer or you can ask one of your family members to pray- what ever feels comfortable to you.

Bless

As you prepare to leave the space, find a way to bless your family members- you might simply say- “thank-you for having this conversation with me, I am grateful for you.” Or if you have been practicing blessing your family this is a great time to offer them an individual blessing reminding them that they are loved by you and by God. For more information on family blessings you can listen to Growing Together Podcast Episode #3: Blessing.

I have templates for these holy conversations too. You can find links to these at riotexas.org/family

Believe it or not, all of this can be done in 5 minutes or 30. It really depends on your family and their comfort with this process. Just by creating the space you will be showing them that you are present, that you care what they think, that you want to have these conversations and that they can be vulnerable in sharing too. On busy nights or when my son is extremely fussy, we move through this process very quickly. Reading a short story out of my sons bible (it’s a toddlers bible so when I say short I mean short- 1 minute or less), we quickly share our joys and concerns- what are you grateful for? “A good day and my health.” Then we say the prayer that we say every night as we rock him and get ready to put our son in his bed. On other nights when my husband and I have had a really hard day and when our son is cooperating we take more time to really talk about our joys and our concerns and to share with one another. If “Thumper” is really tired we’ll put him to bed and say let’s continue this conversation downstairs. I have come to cherish and look forward to this time. It is not always easy and it is definitely not perfect but by creating space and keeping things simple I have discovered a way for my family to connect and have Holy Conversations. I pray that you will find a way to do this too. It might be at meals, it might be at bedtime, or it might be some other random time of the day. When my son was going to day care we would always ask him after getting him in his seat and starting the car: “what was your favorite part of the day? and then “What was hard today?” Since he is not talking yet these questions are always followed by silence and this gives me space to think and reflect too while creating the space and setting a routine so that my son will grow to expect these questions as he gets older. You and your family will find what works best for you. The most important thing is that you keep things simple, embrace the mess, and let go of any expectations of perfection or providing the right answers.

God is with you! Let God guide you as you rest in the knowledge that you have all you need to join your family in these important conversations.

As you do this work,  I pray you and your family will be blessed as you grow together. 

Playlist for doing this important work:

• Listen: Episode #5: Holy Conversations

• Respond:

  • Give yourself permission to: keep things simple as you embrace the mess

  • Pay attention to your daily routine:

    • where does your family gather during the day? Could this be your safe space for holy conversations?

    • what conversations are you already having with your family? What does this look like for you?

  • Practice having holy conversations:

    • how does it feel to ask big questions?

    • how does it feel to sit in the silence?

    • what are you and your family discovering together?

  • Weekly Blessing:

    God is with you! Let God guide you and know you have all you need to join your family in these important conversations.

Practicing Grace

Growing Together Podcast Episode #4: Grace

Today, as I am wrapping up another week of sheltering in place, I admit that this week has been more difficult than others. I have found myself overwhelmed, and exhausted, and admittedly a little cranky. Perhaps you are feeling this way too. 

If this is how you are feeling, I’m hopeful that this blog will give you a moment to pause as you practice extending grace to yourself and to others. Let this be a time where you can slow down, take a breath and focus on what is really important to you and your family.

I don’t know about you, but there is a part of me that thought the act of sheltering in place would bring opportunities to slow down, that my calendar would be less full, that we would have an opportunity to breathe. And yet, in my own life and in talking to many others- this is just not the case. Calendars that were once full of activities are now full online meetings and live and digital activities. The possibilities are amazing and they are endless. In my own work as I try to curate all of the e-mails there are so many- I receive several e-mails every day of resources to share that were created with a deep desire to help families during this time. And so I myself am guilty of naming and sharing endless amounts of things for families to do during this difficult time. 

The reality though is that many parents and families are struggling during this time. There have been numerous articles, blogs, and podcasts identifying the stress that families are facing as we practice sheltering in place. Many of us are juggling full time work, full time home schooling, and full time family responsibilities. There is an unspoken expectation that we can and should complete all of the tasks that are now on our to-do lists. It is a constant call to make sure that the learning is happening, the growing is happening, and work is getting done, not to mention daily tasks of cleaning, laundry, and making sure our families have healthy meals to eat. It is exhausting. It is easy to become overwhelmed by all of the “stuff and things” that we think we need to be doing. Then there are all the possibilities of what we could be doing. Just the other day I received online curriculum from my son’s school- he is 11.5 months with activities, videos, crafts, and recipes. While I appreciate the ideas and the encouragement I quickly found my stress level rising as I began to try to plan out how I would get all of this done in a day. Then I hear that small voice reminding me- these are just ideas, you don’t need to do all of them- is there one that sounds exciting and fun?

In this time, when our cortisol levels are high, as many of us are in a constant state of anxiety, and our bodies have moved into a fight or flight mentality, it is even more important that we take a breath, to feel all of our feelings, and to remember: God has us. We are not alone. We do not have to do everything and we definitely do not have to do it with perfection.

This is not the time to be trying to do everything perfectly and it is not the time to try to complete all tasks and activities that cross our desk or come through e-mail or social media. I think this goes for our work life, our home life, and our spiritual life too.

This is a time where we can practice grace- opening ourselves up to the grace God gives as we find ways to extend that grace and love to ourselves and to our families. It is an opportunity to focus on loving each other well as we cherish this time we have together. It is an invitation for us to slow down, to breathe, and to focus on what really matters to us and our families. 

One of the things I’ve appreciated as I see other families wrestling with all of this are the families that are saying: “Everyday make sure you are doing the things that are important to you… every day we’re going to make our beds… every day we are going to eat a healthy breakfast,  … go for a walk… spend some time outside, …  praying together.” the end of that message is always: we are going to do what is important to us and beyond that we’ll see what the day brings.

In the midst of stress it is important to to take time to play and to connect to our Creator and to each other. As you discern what is best for you and your family, just like we would when we were out and in the world, if you will… really identify, what is important to your family? Especially now that we’ve been given the gift of time together. What do you want your family to remember when they look back on this time when we had to shelter in place? I know my hope for my own child is that he will remember walks with mommy and daddy, time playing with his canine sister bela, and time spent reading and snuggling, and playing. Of course, my son is 11months old so this might look different for you and your family. You might identify other important memories that you hope to cultivate during this time. For myself, my hope is that when we emerge from sheltering in place that I do feel more rest, that I am in a place of gratitude for the time I was able to spend with my family. I also hope that I’ve been able to do my job well- focusing on what is relevant and important during this time. 

Take a moment and identify:

• What is important to you?

• What do you want your children to remember?

• How do you want to feel on the other side of this? 

I always say: 1-3 things is enough. It is when we start looking at all the possibilities, and when we start trying to do all of the stuff and things that we get overwhelmed, we get stuck, we get anxious, and we get exhausted. This is also when we start feeling like we are failing in all areas of our lives. So- I invite you to think about 1-3 three things you want you and your family to focus on…. and that’s it. What ever number or specific activities make you feel good or make you feel excited….

What are your 1-3 things?

Maybe it’s: every day I want our family to go on a walk together, or everyday I want my family to snuggle up for story time, or everyday I want to make sure I am blessing my family. For more information about blessing your family you can listen to the last episode of this podcast, episode #3. Maybe you will spend time outside every day, you will read everyday, or you will pray everyday. Maybe you will choose one activity from your school or church to try. It’s up to you, I just want to encourage you to keep it simple and keep your expectations realistic.

For work this can be harder as sometimes our tasks are dictated by others— I have found it helpful to begin my day journaling- writing down all of the tasks that are swirling around in my head. You might use a task manager such as Slack, Basecamp, or Smartsheet, to identify the work that needs to be done.

Start by listing out all of the possibilities then ask yourself:

• what is most important?

• What needs to get done today?

I say this prayer as I journal:

God, thank-you for good work. Thank-you for all of these possibilities. Bless the work of today. Help me as I identify the tasks that need to be done today and encourage me as I set aside the other tasks for another day. Keep me focused and at peace. Amen. 

Routines are important for people of all ages- especially in moments of chaos. Create a simple routine that helps you focus on what is most important to you and your family. If you are having an off day or if things do not go as planned, this is a wonderful time to practice grace and forgiveness. When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, stop what you are doing and say a breath prayer.

Breath Prayers

[Breath prayer for presence]

As you breathe in say: Lord you are with me.

As you breathe out say: help me focus on what is important.

[Breath prayer for guidance]

Breathe in: Lord, guide my feet

Breathe out: while I run this race

[Breath prayer for assurance]

Breathe in: Do not be afraid

Breathe out: I am with you. 

Other Breath Prayers

You can come up with your own words too- what ever brings you comfort and helps you experience a moment of peace as you reset and prepare to try again.

A mantra when I am overwhelmed, I often find myself saying is this: “One breath, one step, one day at a time” as I take deep breaths and prepare to try again.

I pray you will be able to find a system that works for you as you find a way to identify what is important, and to let go of everything else. Focus on the small and simple tasks that are ultimately going to be more important at the end of all of this than whether or not you did all of the activities, all of the lessons, completed all of the tasks or learned all of the things. 

I am writing this blog on Good Friday, one of my favorite days of the year. I think it is one of my favorite days because it reminds us of the great sacrifice of our Savior, and it invites us into deep reflection and into a different space as we consider the reality of our Christian faith.

And so, as we sit underneath the cross and we look to the stillness of Holy Saturday, and we anticipate the hope, and the beauty, and the joy of Easter- I think that this is the perfect time to stop, to breathe in the grace of God and then to allow that Grace to wash over us and wash over the ones we love as we practice saying: In this moment, this is enough. In this moment, God’s grace is enough. Today, this time to play is enough. In all things, it is enough. 

My prayer for you is that as you are listening to this you will take a moment to breath in God’s grace, to name what is important, and to let everything else go. Take this time to breathe, the play, to release all expectations. Do all of the things, or none of the things. Focus on what is important to you and your family… and through it all remember… God created you, you are enough, rest and find strength in God’s grace and love. 

Invitation to a spiritual practice: Grace

• Give yourself permission to let go of all the “stuff and things” controlling your day.

• Identify 1-3 things that you want you and your family to focus on

• Practice grace as you remember you do not have to do all things.

Weekly Blessing

God created you, you are enough, rest and find strength in God’s grace and love.

Prayer

God, thank-you for good work. Thank-you for all of these possibilities. Bless the work of today. Help me as I identify the tasks that need to be done today and encourage me as I set aside the other tasks for another day. Keep me focused and at peace. Amen.

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How can I support you as you shelter in place? Let me know by commenting on this podcast, sharing on our growing together families facebook page, or you can e-mail me too.

Blessing Others

Growing Together Podcast Episode #3: Blessing

The spiritual practice of blessing is a tool we can use to offer love and hope to others. 

If you sneeze in public my guess is you will hear at least one person respond: "Bless you.” This is perhaps the simplest most common example of a blessing. At the end of worship, you might notice that the worship leader gives a benediction, a bestowing of a blessing at the end of a worship service. The words given remind us of who we are and provide encouragement as we prepare to go back into the world to do God’s holy work. This is another common example of the practice of blessing. 

Words of blessing offer an opportunity for us to give and receive words of love, to remind one another who we are as God’s beloved children, and to encourage each other in the work God has called us to do. Barbara Brown Taylor, describes the spiritual practice of blessing as a way to give thoughtful prayer to those we love. What a gift this practice offers us and our family.

I was first introduced to blessing as a spiritual practice for those we are in community with when I was trained as a Godly Play story teller. Following the pattern of worship, Godly Play includes a time of blessing at the end of every session. Participants are invited to receive a blessing from their Godly Play Teacher before leaving. This looks different in various settings. It might be the sign of the cross on a hand, or on a forehead. Words can vary too. The one I learned first is very simple and easy to remember: “God loves you, God’s with you, Go in peace.” I still remember this first experience of blessing- the trainer looked me in the eyes, made the mark of a cross on my forehead, and said those simple words to me: “God loves you, God’s with you, Go in peace.” I was greatly impacted by this experience and as I returned home I was eager to begin using this tool in my own ministry. 

As I began to introduce this practice into my own work with children, including my Godly Play classroom, I began to see the impact on me and on the children as we bless each other. Several years ago, I had a young boy join my Godly Play circle. He was new to the church and to this group. He was tentative and shy and stood in the back of the room as his newly adoptive parents encouraged him to join the group. At the end of our time together I invited the children up one by one to receive their blessing. I always give people the choice of how they would like to receive their blessing: in the air, on their hand, on their forehead…. That day a few of the children decided they wanted their blessings on their feet. So as I called this young child up he walked slowly to me, and when I asked if I could give him a blessing he nodded and put out his foot, and I blessed him. Every week he returned to this community, and at the end of our time together I would offer him a blessing. Over time he would ask for his blessing on his hand, and then after a year he asked for me to bless him on his forehead. This was our time to connect every week and for me to offer a prayer as I reminded him who he is as a precious child of God. Three years later, this child was old enough to move into the youth group. Like most children’s ministers on that first day of the new year I was excited to meet new faces and I missed the ones who had moved up too. At the end of class I looked up and saw this now adolescent boy standing in the back of the room, I asked him if he was there to pick up his brother and sister and he said, “yes.” He paused for a moment and then he continued: “I was wondering if I can still get my blessing?” He walked toward me and pulled his hair back as I moved to greet him with the words that I had said so many times over those three years: "God loves you, God’s with you, Go in peace." On that day I was forever changed as I realized that this time of blessing had become an opportunity for us to grow in our relationship and for me to offer words to remind this young person that he was loved child of God. I like to think that young man was changed too. That moment taught me the impact blessing others can make.

Just as a pastor or ministry leader has an opportunity to bless members in their congregation, we have an opportunity to bless the members of our household- every day. In his book, The Family Blessing, Rolf Garborg talks about the importance of a daily blessing and gives family guidance in doing this work at home. He lists out steps as a way to get started: (you can see a link to his book below)

1. Now is the time to start blessing your children today

2. find a consistent time to bless your family (this might be at bed time, or at the start of a new day).

3. Ask God for the words, find words in scripture, or you might use some of the blessings listed below.

Just like other spiritual disciplines- when we pick up this tool for the first time it might be wonky or weird. It might be messy.If your children are older and this practice is new to them, they may wonder what on earth it is you are doing.

Barbara Brown Taylor writes about this in her book, An Altar in the World.  “The easiest way to learn to write a blessing is to do it.” Begin by blessing any old stick you find lying around. “Bless you stick, for being you.” When something feels new or different the best way to move through the initial hesitation is to practice. We can get comfortable using this tool by starting simple like blessing something like a stick or a tree as we make the words and the action our own.

Garborg suggests you talk to your family about what a blessing is so they are not surprised or unsure about what is happening. Any time I bless a person of any age for the first time, I always take time to explain what I am doing. It doesn’t necessarily make it less wonky or weird, but it does help us learn and grow as we practice the tool together. Like other disciplines- the more you practice the easier it gets, and in my experience, using this tool changes you and the person you are blessing.  

It is never too early or late to begin blessing your family.  Remember- there is not one way to do this work. We do not pick up spiritual tools to use them perfectly, but we pick them up and we practice using them as we seek ways to connect to God and each other.

This can look different in every home, every community, and every ministry setting.

This has looked different in my family depending on the time and place when I offer the blessing.

When I was pregnant, I dreamed of the day when I would hold my son for the first time, give him his name, and bless him. I will always remember the moment when they put him in my arms, he opened his eyes, and as he looked at me I made the sign of a cross on his forehead, spoke his name for the first time, and said: “Welcome to the world, we are so glad you are here.”

We started that day blessing our son, and every night we bless him before he goes to bed. Making the sign of a cross on his forehead and saying these words:  “God loves you, God is with you, sleep well knowing you are loved."

When it came time for me to return to work and I had to leave him at daycare, as a first time mom I was really struggling to say good-bye. In order to make the transition easier, as I left I asked God to watch over him in my absence and I blessed him: “God loves you, God’s with you, have a great day.” When I would check on my son in the afternoon I would bless him before laying him in his crib at school for his afternoon nap. This was our way to connect and pray together. This short moment provided me with the peace I needed to leave him in the care of his teachers. Blessing my son provides me with an opportunity to connect with him and I hope it will continue to be a tool our family can use as we connect to God and each other. 

I have had the opportunity to talk to many families about their experience with this spiritual practice in their homes. I have several who have shared with me their experiences of blessing older children or adolescents. Parents have shared with me that when it feels weird or if their child goes to bed on their own, that they will stand in their child’s doorway making a sign of the cross in the air, offering a silent blessing over them while they sleep. 

One memorable story comes from a dad who once shared with me about his experience and favorite moments of blessing his son. He shared that he blessed his son every night since his son’s birth. When he dropped his son off at college, he turned to leave and as he did, he heard his son say: “Hey dad, aren’t you going to bless me before you go?”

When we do this work we have an opportunity to strengthen our relationship with our families, show them how much they are loved by God and by us, as remind them that they are not alone in the world. The hope is that this will help give them the faith, confidence, and courage they need to live in the world as Christ’s beloved child. 

It is important to recognize that we can bless our spouses and other family and friends too. As you practice this practice in your homes, I hope you will share your experiences and your blessings on the growing together families facebook page. 

Until next time: I offer this blessing and prayer:  God loves you, God is with you, Go in peace. 

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Blessings:

Beginning of the day: God loves you and God is with you as you share God’s love with others.

Bedtime: God loves you, God is with you, sleep well knowing you are loved

Anytime: God is with you, Christ is beside you, the Holy Spirit moves through you. You have all you need to do God’s important work. 

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Resources:

Growing Together Families Monthly Newsletter and Monthly Blessing

Living with the Holy (How to practice spiritual disciplines with your family. Includes blessings)

The Family Blessing, Rolf Garborg

An Altar in the World Excerpt: The Practice of Pronouncing Blessings

An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith, Barbara Brown Taylor

An invitation to: Prayer

In this post, we at Growing Together Families are focusing on prayer. You can listen to this podcast episode here.

Spiritual Practices as Tools

Before we look at this spiritual discipline, I want to take this opportunity to share with you how I understand spiritual disciplines or faith practices as tools that God gives us to connect to God and neighbor.  I invite you to imagine that you are carrying a tool box on your faith formation journey. Mine is red, and sometimes orange.  Yours can be what every color you want. When we try a new spiritual practice we are picking up a new tool that helps us do the important work of loving God and neighbor. God gives us multiple tools to do this work. When we pick up a new tool it is important to remember that we will each have different experiences as we try to use that tool in our daily lives. Using a tool for the first time takes time, energy, and practice as we strive to get better at using it in our daily lives. It can feel messy and hard.  If we haven’t picked up a tool in a while- it might need sharpening. If we’ve been carrying a tool around with us for awhile, we might discover new ways to use it. It’s important to recognize and celebrate when a tool works for us too.  No matter our experience with a spiritual discipline, the more we pick it up and practice using it, the easier it will get and the more comfortable we will become. It is important to remember that practice helps us develop skills and offers an opportunity to grow and learn. As you and your family practice using a spiritual discipline together I encourage you to be patient with one another as you each learn how to best use the tool in your faith walk with God. It’s important to remember that as you add tools to your toolbox you and your family might have tools that each of you prefer to use and that you may find different tools more helpful than others. Be patient with one another as you find the tools that work best for you and your family.

In this blog we will be focusing on the spiritual discipline: prayer.

What is prayer? 

Prayer is a “means of grace” through which we experience the presence and grace of God. In prayer, we make ourselves available to God, opening ourselves to the power of God’s love that heals and forms us into the image of Christ. Prayer is a tool that helps us connect to God. It’s a way we can communicate what we are experiencing, feeling, hoping, anxious about and it’s a space for us to listen and reflect too. Through prayer we create space and open ourselves to God’s presence. As we do this holy work, we open ourselves up to the possibility that we will be changed. 

I love how children talk about prayer as a conversation with God. One child once told me: I can tell God anything. And it’s true! If you want to hear more about how children understand prayer check out this video. 

As we think about prayer as a tool that helps us connect with and talk to God, we recognize that this is an important tool for us to practice using as we model this work for our families. Remember, we learn when something is modeled and when we have an opportunity to practice. As you practice incorporating prayer in your life and in your homes you have an opportunity to model this practice for your family and to invite them to practice using this tool too! I encourage you to set aside time every day to do this important work together.

When to pray

The beauty is we can talk to God whenever we want- either silently or out loud. Historically people of faith have allowed the rhythm of the day to provide prayer opportunities- patterning a life of prayer after the hours of the day- morning, midday- evening- and night. The liturgy of the hours includes 8 opportunities to pray intentionally. This helps us know that we can pattern our day by times so you might find a specific time of day when you want to pray or when you want to invite your family to pray.

You might choose to pray during certain events of the day. This might be when you wake up, at meal times, or at bedtimes. As we talked about in the previous blog and podcast episode, rituals and routines are extremely important. Daily events help us identify a reoccurring opportunity when you and your family can pray together. 

You might choose to practice this spiritual discipline when you are feeling specific emotions. When you or a family member are experiencing anxiety, stress, fear, or sadness you might choose to stop and talk to God and each other. Prayer is a wonderful tool when we are joyful and thankful too! In all of our emotions we can turn to God to express how we are feeling and to ask for help. 

My grandmother modeled this for me. She always prayed every time she got into the car and before she started the engine. I’ve picked up this practice praying as I put on my seatbelt: “God watch over me and others in this car and on the road. Please keep all of us safe.”

For me, my individual prayer time comes as I sit down at my desk to start my morning work. Journaling and prayer help me focus on what God is calling me to do that day. 

For my family, mealtimes and bedtime provide communal opportunities for prayer as we gather together to thank God for food and for all the gifts of the day. 

I wonder:

• When do you pray?

• When does your family pray?

How to pray

As you and your family decide the best way to pray together, it is important to remember that there is not one right time or one right way to pray. There are a lot of different ways to pray and many resources to help you with this work. You can find some resources to guide you below.

Prayers can be written down, or they might flow from the heart. Prayers can also be a time of silence. On days when we cannot find the words we can simply pray:

God, I don’t have the words. Thank-you for being with me. I am so grateful that you know what is on my heart. Stay close, as I need you now.

Sometimes the silence is what our bodies, our hearts, and our minds need as we sit in the loving embrace of our creator. 

In times when it is difficult to pray, you can also ask others to pray with you or for you. 

It is important to recognize that people of all ages need silence and stillness.  I invite you to consider:  how are you providing silence and space to simply sit in the comforting presence of God?

There are different types of prayers too:

Breath Prayers

Breath prayers are short prayers that you can say when you are feeling stressed, anxious, or afraid. One of my favorite breath prayers is this one:

(Breathe in) Be Still

(Breathe out) And know that I am God

When you are practicing a breath prayer you will want to breathe in and out slowly and intentionally. If you are leading your family in a breath prayer you will want to encourage them to breathe in and out slowly and quietly too. As you pray this prayer the hope is that the process and the words will calm your body. The goal is to help your body relax as your breath and heart rate slows and as you find God’s peace as you sit in the presence of God. 

Body prayers:

Another one of my favorite ways to pray is with body prayers. For those who like to move body prayers help us move as we talk to God. Some choose to pray as they run or walk, others pray while they move through a series of yoga poses. The hand prayer is one of my favorite body prayers for children as it teaches prayer using their hand which serves as a mnemonic device to help them remember the flow of the prayer as they practice. The hand prayer is great for adults when we get stuck and cannot find the words too!

As you and your family practice praying together, you will find your own rhythm as you discover the times and approaches that work best for you. 

For my family, our bedtime prayers have evolved as we have moved through the ritual every night. We begin by sharing joys and concerns, then we say a prayer thanking God for our family and friends lifting up those joys and concerns. We then say a prayer from a book my sister-in-law gave us for our son’s baptism. Many months ago, we picked up the book, looked through it, and chose one that we liked. We have been praying that prayer ever since. I am sure that if we went back and looked at the book we would find that the actual words of the prayer are very different as I’m sure we have changed them over time- and that’s ok. My hope is that as you and your family discover resources and tools that work for you, that you too will find ways to make them your own. My family chooses to conclude our prayer time with the Lord’s prayer since this is a prayer from our faith tradition that we want our son to learn as this is a prayer our faith community says together every week in worship. 

As you and your family practice this important discipline, I know that you will discover what is best for you and your family. It is important to remember that there is not one way to use this tool. The only way you will know what will work for you and your family is to pick up the tool and to try it out. If it doesn’t work the first time, I want to encourage you to try again, or to shift the practice a little bit seeing if you can find a way to make the practice work for you and your family. It is easy to set aside a practice when it doesn’t work- especially when things are chaotic and messy. I encourage you to try, and try again. You are also invited to share your experiences in the Growing Together Families Facebook page. Life is messy and this is a place for you to share your celebrations and acknowledge your frustrations as you find support for this important work. Let us know how it is going.  This is where we can learn from one another and encourage one another. 

In all things know that it is the practice that matters. Through our intentional work we can continue to connect to God and each other. 

Invitation to a spiritual practice

Prayer: Identify a time every day to pray

Action Challenge

Try a new prayer at your chosen time.

Prayer

Dear God, thank-you for listening to us when we pray. In times of uncertainty we are grateful we can turn to you for guidance and comfort. Hear us as we share our joys [insert here] and our concerns [insert here]. Keep us safe. It’s in your holy name we prayer, AMEN

Resources:

• Children on Prayer

• Prayers for specific moments:

  • Wake up/Greeting the New Day

  • Brushing Teeth

  • Nighttime Prayers

  • Other Prayers: Living with the Holy

• Breath Prayers

  • Personal and Community Prayers

  • Just Breathe

  • Breath Prayers with Video

• Hand Prayer

• Look for the Gifts: Praying with Children During a Pandemic

• 10 Ways to pray with kids

• Books:

  • May the faith be with you: bedtime prayers

  • Prayers for Faithful Families

  • Praying in Color

  • Scrambled Starts

Rituals and Routines

Growing Together Podcast Episode #1: Rituals and Routines

Welcome to the Growing Together community. I am excited to share these new resources created to help you and your family stay connected to God and each other during this difficult time. 

As we practice social distancing and strive to protect our families and members of our communities many of us are finding ourselves at home. Some of us have kids at home and many of us are working at home. Now more than ever we should be relying on spiritual disciplines- practices that help us connect to God and each other. When we feel afraid God offers us comfort, when we are worried, God offers us peace. Taking time for faith formation in your home will give you an opportunity to be with one another as you listen, share, reflect, and grow.  

So- as we begin to find our new normal I will be producing short invitations every week to help you and your family connect to God and each other in your home. In each podcast episode and blog, I will introduce a spiritual practice for you to try, an action challenge for your family to complete, and a pray to give you words as you do this important work. You can watch, listen to, or read each new addition here at Growing Together UMC. We invite and encourage you to share your experiences on the Growing Together Families facebook page too.

Today, I want to focus on creating ritual in your home- or as I like to say- developing a routine. We know routine is essential to our daily flow- whether at home, at work, or at school- we organize our day by the events, tasks, and opportunities that life presents. If you are a parent you probably know how important routine is to your children. 

My son is almost 11 months old and he is teaching me and his father this important truth. If we can keep to a simple routine of play, sleep, and meals, he is a lot happier and actually sleeps better and appears to feel better too (aka he is less cranky- lol). In our family we have developed a simple routine around bedtime. From the day we brought our son, lovingly called “Thumper,” home we have ended the day with stories (including a story from his Bible), sharing joys and concerns (What are you grateful for? What are you worried about?), prayers, lullaby, blessing and goodnight kisses. This routine gives us something to look forward to, and offers us an opportunity to be together and to talk to God together too. In these moments we are assuring Thumper and each other that God is with us, we are not alone. As we go into the night God is with us. 

As I listen to families and read posts on social media, it is clear that many of us are wondering how we will be able to work from home, help our children continue schoolwork, keep children occupied, and keep our sanity in the midst of it all. Some in my community are already admitting that they are stir crazy after only a few days. In these moments, routine, our daily habits or rituals, offer us a life line. When we map out our days and intentionally plan the time we gain a sense of control to what can feel like chaos. Now- let me be clear- we don’t have complete control as we know- life changes and so flexibility is important, but by naming what is important to us and shaping our day accordingly we find time to do the important work that God calls us to do and that brings us joy.

So- as you settle into your new normal and begin creating routines in your household I invite you to consider, adding a time of prayer to your daily routine. Some of you might already do this- if so- keep it up! Maybe add another opportunity to connect, listen, and pray during the day- maybe as an afternoon break from work, or in the morning as you begin your day together. What is important during these times, is that you are intentional in setting aside time to be together, to listen, to share, and to pray. In times of uncertainty we can become extremely anxious and fearful. This is true for people of all ages. Adding time in your daily routine to take a break, to breath, to connect, and to pray will give you an opportunity to receive the strength, courage, and peace that God promises. Each week I will be back offering you another practice that you can try during the time that you carve out for faith formation in your home. 

I invite you to check out the #growingtogether facebook page too. This is where I encourage you to share moments when you are connecting to God and to those you love. I also have resources to help you in this work at growingtogetherumc.org. 

Come join this community. Rely on God during this time of uncertainty. Lean on each other in times of fear. And in all things may we remember that  we are not alone, God is with us. For this we give thanks!

Invitation to a spiritual practice

Ritual: Identify time every day to connect to God and each other

Action Challenge

Take time together to connect, breath, share, listen, and pray

Prayer

Dear God, as we settle into our new normal we give thanks that you are with us. As we restructure our lives we ask that you guide us in creating a helpful routine that will guide our daily work. Help us find time to connect with you and with each other. Keep us safe. It’s in your holy name we prayer, AMEN

Why do we have a safety policy?

En español   

Why do we have a safety policy? We are the church -- can’t we just assume we are safe?

These are just two of the questions persons ask me when I speak about the importance of having a safety policy. In response to these questions and many others, I have spent much time in prayer searching for my own answers and my own understanding.

I first examined my own personal experience in the church, asking: When has the church felt safe for me? When have I felt in danger?  I remembered joyous moments and challenging ones too. I remembered times when I felt safe and others when I did not trust a community and so I chose to leave.

Next, I reflected on my ministry experience over the last twenty years. I have mostly lived and worked in a culture where safety policies are expected in ministry. Most pastors, laity, Christian educators, and parents I have worked with expected that we would not only have a safety policy, but that we would do our best to implement that policy faithfully. 

And yet, my conversations with seminary students and ministry leaders across the United Methodist connection reveal how some persons have different experiences and cultural expectations. At first, I was admittedly surprised when a seminary student challenged me in class one day asking: “Why do we need to have a safety policy? Why do we have to do all of this work? Our churches are safe.” In the midst of the conversation that followed I realized that while I had always worked toward safety in my own ministry contexts, I never had really wrestled with “why” this work was important to me. As the class continued to discuss the “why,” and as I listened deeply to their struggles and revelations, I realized that this was an important part of the work- we must know why something is important before we are willing to embrace a new idea or try a different approach to ministry. For some of these seminary students, the need for a safety policy was a new concept- they had never considered that the church is not a safe place for some people. Nor had they ever thought about how some persons actually experience abuse in a ministry setting. As the students wrestled with their questions regarding the necessity of a policy and the ministry practices a policy requires, they slowly began to claim their own narratives and assumptions.  As one student stated: “I can’t believe that this is necessary. I guess I have always assumed faith communities are safe.”  

Conversations such as these call students, ministry leaders, faith communities, and myself to take a deep look at the reality of our current culture and ministry context as we consider our role in caring for God’s children. 

No matter our context or ministry experience, each of us has a responsibility to keep God’s children safe. In Mark 19:13-14 Jesus affirms this call with his demand: “Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them.

As United Methodists, we respond to this call with the covenant we make at every baptism: “We will surround these persons with a community of love and forgiveness, that they may grow in their trust of God” (Baptismal Covenant I, United Methodist Church Book of Worship).

This is our call and our promise- to do the hard and holy work of keeping all persons safe.

The United Methodist Church Book of Discipline and Book of Resolutions affirms this call and demands that we work together to “assure that policies and procedures are in place to help keep all children and the adults who care for and work with them safe” (¶256, Book of Discipline).

This last year I had the privilege to work alongside the Rio Texas Conference Safety Task Force on a new safety policy for our conference. As part of our work we continued this conversation focusing on why we have a safety policy as we considered how a policy might help ensure the safety of all persons in our care. The team took a deep look at the reality of our current culture and ministry context, researching statistics on abuse and talking to professionals as we sought to understand the work that is before us.

We learned that persons under 18 are abused every 8 seconds in the state of Texas. We discovered that 1 in 10 of adults over 60 are abused. We asked: “How are churches impacted by these statistics?” We discovered that there are an average of 70 allegations a week against religious institutions and 1% of churches have an abuse report filed against them every year. We learned that pedophiles view faith communities as vulnerable and easy places to prey. Our work revealed an answer to the question raised by my student eight years ago-  We cannot assume that children, youth, and vulnerable adults are safe. Our research also revealed that many persons no longer trust the church nor do they view our faith communities as safe. We spoke with parents who do not feel comfortable leaving their children in our care when neither a safety policy nor an implementation plan is in place. Even our youth have shared that many of their friends will not come to church because they do not feel safe in our care.

Safety is an important element for human development and faith formation. When persons feel safe, they begin to build a lived experience of trust, courage, hope and love. When they do not feel safe, they learn to approach the world with fear and hesitation.  Safety is the foundation for building trust. When we feel safe, we can trust God and those in our faith communities. This is how we encourage and nurture all of God’s children as they “grow in their trust of God.”

As United Methodists, our answer to the why comes from scripture, tradition, experience, and reason.

Why do we have a safety policy?
 To help us do the hard and holy work of keeping all of God’s children safe.

Questions for reflection: 

1.     When have you felt safe in a faith community?
2.     What factors helped you feel safe?
3.     When have you not felt safe in a faith community?
4.     What factors caused you to mistrust the community?
5.     What steps is your faith community currently taking to keep persons safe?
6.     What steps can you take next to continue or improve this work? 

Call to action:  Share the call to safety with your faith community.
Whether this is through teaching, preaching, modeling, or inviting persons to practice- the first step in creating a safe community is to educate and invite your community to work with you. As ministry leaders, our job is to help guide and direct faith communities as they respond to God’s call to keep God’s children safe. For help, check out the resource-  Safety: Moving your church towards a new vision and purpose. This resource will provide tools including scriptures, statistics, reflection questions, and other information to help you preach, teach, and encourage your congregation in the work of keeping all person’s safe.

NEXT STEPS:

1.     Consider a sermon series, a blog, or an article in your church newsletter- use this opportunity to invite your congregation to consider why we have a safety policy and their response to God’s call to keep all people safe.
2.     Register your church/organization with SafeGatherings. Use this online tool to screen, train, and track your volunteers.  
3.     Talk to your staff and ministry committees:
a.     Share your current safety policy. Ask members how they are currently working to keep people safe and then invite them to consider areas where they can continue or improve this work.
b.     Invite your staff and ministry leaders to identify ways to encourage the entire congregation as you seek to implement your policy in your context.
4.     In all that you do- remember that our work is to encourage persons in this work. For so long, we as the church have asked, ‘What’s easiest?’” It is now time to ask, ‘What’s most trustworthy?’” Help persons see that having and implementing a safety policy is not something we do out of fear. Encourage persons to move past their concerns of scarcity and lack of volunteers. Invite persons to ask God to reveal who God is calling to this work and to bless the ministry with fruitful volunteers. Preach a message of abundance and hope. Share the vision of everyone working together to ensure all God’s children are safe.

Resource: Safety: Moving your church towards a new vision and purpose

For more resources as you do this important work check out: riotexas.org/safe

Need help? Contact: Rev. Dr. Tanya Campen, tcampen@riotexas.org